All is Not Right in Jersey

Hello, class. I'm the Erotic Elitist.

Today we have a story collected from the forums over at XNXX. It's entitled "Sex with My Big Breasted Teacher After School in the Park," which seems pretty self-explanatory. I'm sure there's nothing else this could be about.

Let's dive in, shall we?

Snooki let her robes fall. "And what a jolly holiday it's going to be!" Said Ronnie, with his head in Snooki's bush.

...No. This isn't happening. This is not fucking "JERSEY SHORE" PORN! No! No! I refuse, new entry, new entry...ah, fuck it, we'll ride this train, I guess...

"Let's go!" Said Snooki. Ron whipped out his big boner. "I suppose you just let it out for exercise?" Said Pauly D. 

I'm sorry, I'll start making jokes just as soon as I can wrap my head around the fact that people actually bothered to write porn about the 'Jersey Shore' dip shits. That's some serious fucking redundancy, I mean have you watched that show? This is like writing erotica fantasizing about Tommy Lee and Pam Anderson making a sex tape. Shit already exists, son.

"Oh no, no," said Ron, rubbing his phallus. His large, peerless cock was stiff as a board. "Dick in the butt, please!" Said Ron

I'm pretty sure this marks the first time anyone from this show has ever said "please" to anyone for any reason. Curious usage.

"Oooooohhhh aaaahhhhh OOOoooohhhhh!" Said Snooki, with Ron boning Snooki's arsehole deeper and deeper, so forcefully, there was an explosion of skeet. And he pulled out of Snooki's tight arse.

You forgot the lube.
Also, are you sure that was Snooki's exact phrasing? Sure it wasn't "whooaOOOAaaahooalawhoo" or "omgomgomg UGGGHHH!!"? I'm also not sure what an explosion of skeet is, but it sounds hazardous and probably orange.

"Oh, Snooki!" Ron groaned, as he blew his load on Pauly's face.

"Hey, bitch, that's not my name," Pauly said, I presume. I mean, what?

"Oh yeah, oh yeah, awwwww." Spurt spurt spurt. Slurp slurp slurp. Fap fap fap. Slurp slurp slurp. There was a large amount of CUM on her clothes - even for a guido.

You know those guidos, wearing jizz like it's jewelry. Who's slurping? I know who's spurting and fapping, but nobody is slurping? Unless Pauly is slurping?

"Oi, you - Pauly Delvecchio," said Mike "The Situation." "One more hand job." Pauly grabbed him and began rubbing the end of his junk. It looked like hard work. Tug tug tug tug tug.

Is this taking place in the fucking Loony Tunes universe, what's with all the improbable sound effects?!

"He's cumming now - pee on it," said Ron, rubbing Mike's big enormous purple nipples. Snooki started PISSING. A large steaming mug of golden golden golden shower, all over Mike's face. "MMMM ah." Mike groaned. "MORE!" He was going to explode. "AH! MMM ah mmm ah. Yeah, here we go!" Slurp slurp slurp. "Yeah..." Slurp slurp slurp. "Sperms!?" Slurp slurp slurp. "Oh yeah!" Slurp slurp slurp. "EUPHORIA!" grunted Mike, who was pulling on his huge, dripping erection.

These are some awfully interesting interjections happening here. Try that, my dear reader, try yelling "EUPHORIA!" next time you're having an orgasm during sex, I eagerly await word on how your partner responds.

"Guido's spank. Good!" Said Mike, happily. "Have a sausage, boy!" And Mike's big lumpy package swelled to the size of Seaside. "All yours," smiled Mike.

You know, lumpy. Like oatmeal. That's what a normal penis looks like, right?

Pauly stared. The next thing he knew he was lying on his back. Pauly could feel Mike's enormous, big beefy man cock penetrating his tiny little guido butt. "Ahhhh...awwww...AH...ooh...aaaaaahhhhh." Pauly ejaculated. He was biting his lip, his forehead furrowed, spraying mouth watering dollops of cum over the table. Slurp slurp slurp.

The next thing he knew? Did he pass out there? And again, WHO'S FUCKING SLURPING?!

"Turn round and face me like a man, why don't you!" Said Mike, jerkin his Big D on Pauly's face. Pauly felt heavy drops splattering onto his blowout. It was as though Pauly had been plunged into a fabulous sea of penis custard.

Who here is in favor of Ben and Jerry's creating a "penis custard" flavor to support gay rights?

"Mike'll fuck anything if it stands still long enough, huh?" Said Ron. "That's what your little sister said!" Said Mike.

...Okay, so Mike's a child rapist. Moving on?

"Can I lick a dick please, Pauly?" Said Vinny, as Vinny sank to his knees. "Oh yeah! I wanna cum!" Said Pauly, hot all over at the thought of being given a very nasty guido blow job. Vinny sucked him hard under the desk. Suck suck suck suck. "Oh!" Suck suck suck suck. "Blimey!"

Blimey! Crikey! I do say ol' chap, you make a piss poor guido with that slang!

Suck suck suck suck. "Hhhhhhhhhhhh." SLURP SLURP SLURP SLURP. Pauly groaned, shooting dazzlingly white cum all over Seaside, Ron and Snooki panting behind him, eating their way through all Pauly's huss. It was certainly nothing like Hamburger restaurants.

This is getting just a touch cartoonish. I can't help but picture this as a Zynga Facebook game, like "Beat 'em and eat 'em: Jersey Shore edition!"

"Oooocha - what's that!?" Said Pauly, who was feeling something very hard between the musty folds of his butt cheeks. "Butt plugs - you want to be careful with those," Ron warned Pauly. "Wanted one ever since I was a kid," said Mike.

Well, that's a mighty strange warning considering every other fucking debauchery they've committed in the last few minutes. Butt plugs? They're so innocuous by comparison, I mean what could go wrong?

Pauly couldn't take anymore. Pauly's insides were aching - he did look a bit sick. Suddenly, his butt crack exploded, showering the whole club in poop with their mouths open. "Run for your lives!" People shrieked as immensely heavy loads of manure hit them, finally killing one. 

...Oh. I guess that could go wrong...

...Forgive me, my powers of snark only extend so far, and from here on out the story devolves into scat porn as written by a legitimate mental patient. There is no excuse for how fucking weird it gets, it does not work on any level, even as parody. It gets honestly too nasty for me to even want to put in a blog post with my name on it in the event someone thinks I wrote it. If you'd like to read the rest, go to XNXX and look up the story under the incredibly misleading title the author gave it.

Don't eat anything first. Here are the last lines, though:

Pauly didn't feel hungry anymore. "Pee in your face, Pauly?" Said Snooki.

No kidding.

TO BE CONTINUED...GIVE FEEDBACK PLEASE, WHAT TO CHANGE, WHAT TO KEEP THE SAME.

That last part there in all caps is in the story, the author put it in. I don't know, what do you all think? Anything he should change? I'm at a loss, I think it was perfect.