All is Not Right in Jersey

Hello, class. I'm the Erotic Elitist.

Today we have a story collected from the forums over at XNXX. It's entitled "Sex with My Big Breasted Teacher After School in the Park," which seems pretty self-explanatory. I'm sure there's nothing else this could be about.

Let's dive in, shall we?

Snooki let her robes fall. "And what a jolly holiday it's going to be!" Said Ronnie, with his head in Snooki's bush.

...No. This isn't happening. This is not fucking "JERSEY SHORE" PORN! No! No! I refuse, new entry, new entry...ah, fuck it, we'll ride this train, I guess...

"Let's go!" Said Snooki. Ron whipped out his big boner. "I suppose you just let it out for exercise?" Said Pauly D. 

I'm sorry, I'll start making jokes just as soon as I can wrap my head around the fact that people actually bothered to write porn about the 'Jersey Shore' dip shits. That's some serious fucking redundancy, I mean have you watched that show? This is like writing erotica fantasizing about Tommy Lee and Pam Anderson making a sex tape. Shit already exists, son.

"Oh no, no," said Ron, rubbing his phallus. His large, peerless cock was stiff as a board. "Dick in the butt, please!" Said Ron

I'm pretty sure this marks the first time anyone from this show has ever said "please" to anyone for any reason. Curious usage.

"Oooooohhhh aaaahhhhh OOOoooohhhhh!" Said Snooki, with Ron boning Snooki's arsehole deeper and deeper, so forcefully, there was an explosion of skeet. And he pulled out of Snooki's tight arse.

You forgot the lube.
Also, are you sure that was Snooki's exact phrasing? Sure it wasn't "whooaOOOAaaahooalawhoo" or "omgomgomg UGGGHHH!!"? I'm also not sure what an explosion of skeet is, but it sounds hazardous and probably orange.

"Oh, Snooki!" Ron groaned, as he blew his load on Pauly's face.

"Hey, bitch, that's not my name," Pauly said, I presume. I mean, what?

"Oh yeah, oh yeah, awwwww." Spurt spurt spurt. Slurp slurp slurp. Fap fap fap. Slurp slurp slurp. There was a large amount of CUM on her clothes - even for a guido.

You know those guidos, wearing jizz like it's jewelry. Who's slurping? I know who's spurting and fapping, but nobody is slurping? Unless Pauly is slurping?

"Oi, you - Pauly Delvecchio," said Mike "The Situation." "One more hand job." Pauly grabbed him and began rubbing the end of his junk. It looked like hard work. Tug tug tug tug tug.

Is this taking place in the fucking Loony Tunes universe, what's with all the improbable sound effects?!

"He's cumming now - pee on it," said Ron, rubbing Mike's big enormous purple nipples. Snooki started PISSING. A large steaming mug of golden golden golden shower, all over Mike's face. "MMMM ah." Mike groaned. "MORE!" He was going to explode. "AH! MMM ah mmm ah. Yeah, here we go!" Slurp slurp slurp. "Yeah..." Slurp slurp slurp. "Sperms!?" Slurp slurp slurp. "Oh yeah!" Slurp slurp slurp. "EUPHORIA!" grunted Mike, who was pulling on his huge, dripping erection.

These are some awfully interesting interjections happening here. Try that, my dear reader, try yelling "EUPHORIA!" next time you're having an orgasm during sex, I eagerly await word on how your partner responds.

"Guido's spank. Good!" Said Mike, happily. "Have a sausage, boy!" And Mike's big lumpy package swelled to the size of Seaside. "All yours," smiled Mike.

You know, lumpy. Like oatmeal. That's what a normal penis looks like, right?

Pauly stared. The next thing he knew he was lying on his back. Pauly could feel Mike's enormous, big beefy man cock penetrating his tiny little guido butt. "Ahhhh...awwww...AH...ooh...aaaaaahhhhh." Pauly ejaculated. He was biting his lip, his forehead furrowed, spraying mouth watering dollops of cum over the table. Slurp slurp slurp.

The next thing he knew? Did he pass out there? And again, WHO'S FUCKING SLURPING?!

"Turn round and face me like a man, why don't you!" Said Mike, jerkin his Big D on Pauly's face. Pauly felt heavy drops splattering onto his blowout. It was as though Pauly had been plunged into a fabulous sea of penis custard.

Who here is in favor of Ben and Jerry's creating a "penis custard" flavor to support gay rights?

"Mike'll fuck anything if it stands still long enough, huh?" Said Ron. "That's what your little sister said!" Said Mike.

...Okay, so Mike's a child rapist. Moving on?

"Can I lick a dick please, Pauly?" Said Vinny, as Vinny sank to his knees. "Oh yeah! I wanna cum!" Said Pauly, hot all over at the thought of being given a very nasty guido blow job. Vinny sucked him hard under the desk. Suck suck suck suck. "Oh!" Suck suck suck suck. "Blimey!"

Blimey! Crikey! I do say ol' chap, you make a piss poor guido with that slang!

Suck suck suck suck. "Hhhhhhhhhhhh." SLURP SLURP SLURP SLURP. Pauly groaned, shooting dazzlingly white cum all over Seaside, Ron and Snooki panting behind him, eating their way through all Pauly's huss. It was certainly nothing like Hamburger restaurants.

This is getting just a touch cartoonish. I can't help but picture this as a Zynga Facebook game, like "Beat 'em and eat 'em: Jersey Shore edition!"

"Oooocha - what's that!?" Said Pauly, who was feeling something very hard between the musty folds of his butt cheeks. "Butt plugs - you want to be careful with those," Ron warned Pauly. "Wanted one ever since I was a kid," said Mike.

Well, that's a mighty strange warning considering every other fucking debauchery they've committed in the last few minutes. Butt plugs? They're so innocuous by comparison, I mean what could go wrong?

Pauly couldn't take anymore. Pauly's insides were aching - he did look a bit sick. Suddenly, his butt crack exploded, showering the whole club in poop with their mouths open. "Run for your lives!" People shrieked as immensely heavy loads of manure hit them, finally killing one. 

...Oh. I guess that could go wrong...

...Forgive me, my powers of snark only extend so far, and from here on out the story devolves into scat porn as written by a legitimate mental patient. There is no excuse for how fucking weird it gets, it does not work on any level, even as parody. It gets honestly too nasty for me to even want to put in a blog post with my name on it in the event someone thinks I wrote it. If you'd like to read the rest, go to XNXX and look up the story under the incredibly misleading title the author gave it.

Don't eat anything first. Here are the last lines, though:

Pauly didn't feel hungry anymore. "Pee in your face, Pauly?" Said Snooki.

No kidding.

TO BE CONTINUED...GIVE FEEDBACK PLEASE, WHAT TO CHANGE, WHAT TO KEEP THE SAME.

That last part there in all caps is in the story, the author put it in. I don't know, what do you all think? Anything he should change? I'm at a loss, I think it was perfect.

Lion King: Deleted Backstory

Hello, class. I'm the Erotic Elitist.

This afternoon, we're going to examine our first piece of adult fan fiction. Apparently there were sequels to "The Lion King" that I never saw, and I'm glad I didn't, because this fic involves characters from them. We meet Timon's extended family in a context I'm not entirely sure the wizards at Disney ever intended them to be seen in. That's just a guess. I don't know, I'm not a mind-reader or anything.

That said, I think the existence of incestuous cartoon meerkat porn falls squarely under Rule 34, so I am not surprised in the least that this exists.

Shall we begin?

Timon was sad because no one at the meerkat colony wanted to have sex with him.
"what's wrong Timmy?" said his mom. "No one want's to have sex with me." he said sadly.

Riveting. I can relate, you see the other day I was hungry because I had nothing to eat, and someone asked me what was wrong. "I'm hungry," I told them hungrily.

Here's a tip: read this entire fan-fic imagining that Timon is voiced by Nathan Lane, like in the original film. You're welcome.

Timon was so randy his cock was sicking out of his sheath. 

It was "sicking" out of his sheath? He might want to get that checked out.

Ma looked at Timons cock and admired how long and thick it is. She wondered how good it would feel inside her pussy.Timon began to sniff. "why are you sniffing?" Ma asked.
Timon looked embarrased. "do you smell mommies pussy?" she asked finally.

"No, Ma, I smell the rotting corpse of a Hye...ohhh, you mean that's what it is?"

Timon nodded. Ma turned around and rised her ass into the air. Timon could see how red and swollen his mother's pussy is. He got behind her and started stiffing and licking her pussy. "Oh, ummm, yes Timon that feels so good" said his mom.

I would like to point out here that apparently Timon and Ma have such a comfortable sexual relationship that she can release her pungent pussy-gas at will and seduce him, but Timon was still feeling the need to seek other relations. Maybe THIS is why nobody else in the colony - which apparently functions as a call-in orgy - wanted to have sex with you, Timmy?

Then Timon stood up and placed his penis at ma's cunt. "Do you want my cock ma?" he asked. Ma groaned wanting that hard dick in her pussy so bad. "How bad do oyu want it?" he teased her running his meat up and down her sopping wet slit. "I want you to fuck me so bad!" she graoned. 

I can't figure out if the author is just 13 and illiterate or if he's trying to type this with one hand. Probably both.

Timon ran it into her. both of them screemed with pleasure. It is a long time sence Ma's pussy had been fucked so it was very tight. 

Somehow I have a hard time believing that second sentence. I'm just sayin'.

Timon grunted loudly with each deep thrust. He fucked his mother so hard that ma lost balence and fell but timon still kept fucking harder and harder so hard that his big balls are slapping against ma's ass. 

He's a fucking MEERKAT, how big can his balls be? Do they even have external testes? I'd Google image search "reproduction system of a meerkat," but I'm afraid doing that would put me on some kind of FBI watch list.

Just then uncle max came in, "what the fuck going on here." he siad, even though he was pissed his cock was getting hard and soon he is fully erect. 

"Oh goddamn it, I have a boner. My penis has betrayed my fake disgust. Guess there's nothing else to do..."

He walked over to his niece and pull her hair so she had to look up at him. He placed his big red cock to her lips. "Suck, you filthy whore." he grunted. Ma eagerly took her uncles cock into her mouth and coouldn't wait to taste his creamy load fulling her mouth.

Okay, back the fuck up. He's the uncle to Ma? So that means he's a generation older than her, and two generations older than Timmy? These Meerkats are already anthropomorphic enough to have big balls and engage in oral sex, so I can only assume that uncle Max is on Meerkat Viagra.

 She reached up and play with her uncles sack. Timon pulled his meat out of her cunt and placed it at her ass. he pulled at back so she was sitting on his lap then he rammed himself into her tight ass. Ma cried out with pain, but was soon graoning with pleaure as her son stretched her ass. 

You forgot the lube. Oh my heavens, you forgot the lube. Anal sex does not work this way, even among meerkats. I mean, I don't think. I'd Google it, "do meerkats fuck up the ass without lube," but again...

She then reached down and spread her pussy open for her uncle. Uncle max slapped her across her face. "I said I wanted my cock suckled, bitch. 

Yeah, bitch! Fucking whore! Suckle that decrepit meerkat dick, you worthless uncle fucker! 
Jesus, he's so demanding! He just walked into the room, totally not intending to have abusive threesomes with his niece, but here he is, slapping her face and barking orders as if this is an unpleasant chore he forgot he had to do.

Ma whimpered, but took his cock back into her mouth. Uncle max reached down and stuck two finger into her snatch, and stroked her clit with his thumb. 
Soon all three meerkats were screaming as they all had orgasms at onnce. Timon screamed as his hot seed gushed into ma's bowels. 

Again with that fucking word! The Craigslist creeper from my last post used it, too! "BOWELS" IS NOT A SEXY WORD!

The old meerkat unleashed so much spunk into his nieces mouth that it was running down her chin. 

Yep, Viagra.

She came all over her uncles hand. He licked all the juice off his hand.

Even in meerkat smut, the cliche of females having squirting orgasms finds its place. This very rarely happens, guys, I don't know what the obsession is. I think it cuts to the root of the heterosexual male psyche; see, they're insecure that their women are faking their orgasms, so in porn they want the women to squirt because then they KNOW she's not faking it. Am I right?

Atfer they whrere finished they all curled up and went to sleep.

I hope you enjoyed this meerkat interpretation of the Kardashian sisters' conception. I'm going to go wash my brain with lemon juice. Have a good evening!

A Craigslist Primer on Anal

Hello, class. I'm the Erotic Elitist.

For our first critique, we're going to begin with a real doozy on the Indianapolis Craiglist m4w page. One of my friends linked me to this tender, loving story about what this man will do to your most private of private holes. It's written less like an erotic story and more like an instructional manual as composed by a failing medical student who recently discovered phone sex and fancies himself a script writer.

Shall we begin?

Do you enjoy anal sex? 

Well golly gee, I don't know! I've never thought about it before. You mean people stick things there? Tell me more.

Can you even admit that you do? Do you like being taken with gentle force? Your ass is your most private orifice and that is a large part of the forbidden desire of anal sex. The positions convenient for anal sex are normally very lewd and make you feel submissive and vulnerable.

I'm learning so much already, like that you can "take" someone with "gentle" force. I agree, submitting to anal sex is very...submissive. I'm on board, I guess, as long as you PROMISE to be gentle.

Your ass is smaller than your pussy, 

(Clearly you've never seen a picture of Nicki Minaj)

so it can be more painful, at least in the beginning. Fucking your ass requires lube, if you are going to perform the act safely. I like to make you kneel down, bend over and lube up your own asshole before I tie your legs. 

Well there goes the promise to be gentle. Damnit, I shouldn't have gone along with this! What are you going to tie my legs with? The bed sheets? Are we even on a bed? Where does this story take place?

With proper lubrication, your resistance will tighten the grip of your anal sphincter around the girth of my cock, enhancing the enjoyment of plundering your hole that much more.

I KNEW it, you're a pirate! That's why you smelled like rum! Mind if I have some?

Although your ass can be taken from several positions the most common is from behind, "doggie style". It's notable that several mammalian species copulate this way exclusively. If you observe animals mating in nature, dominant males usually take their mate by force; pinning them to the ground, it is often a semi-violent act. In the wild, a male has to prove his worth to mate by force.

So I guess we're outside, and you're a pirate with a furry obsession but no costume and my legs are tied up with bamboo stalk or something. Look, I don't judge, but could you leave me out of this?

With you in this position, I sometimes like to put my hands on either side of your head, and ride you hard. Restrain your hands behind your back, or tie them off to the sides of the bed. . . your legs tied or bound. You take it hard in the ass and can only scream into (?) and whimper.

Scream into what? There's a missing word there, Captain Morgan. Also, we are on a bed? This is so confusing.

You volunteered for this... 

I DID?!

but you love the fact that you feel forced, something deep inside makes you do it because you need it. If forced to ask for it you are made to express you desire for it which would make you feel vulnerable and dirty. . . so you would rather volunteer it and have it taken from you.

Well, yeah, generally people feel pretty vulnerable when someone is FORCING them to "ask" to get anally penetrated. What the hell does that conversation even look like? Are you putting your sword to my throat while your shoulder parrot screams "BWAAARRRRK, ask him to fuck your ass! BWWAARRRRK!"

I run one hand down between your legs to find your clit. 

Here's a hint to assist with your search: run your hand UP my legs.

I rub your clit lightly, just enough to make your cunt throb. I know you want me to fuck your pussy and fuck it hard you ache for it. However, the lube glistens from the pucker of your asshole, so you know your pussy is not getting any attention, at least not yet.

Are there diamonds in this lube, what the fuck?

I spank your ass until both cheeks are nice and red. I love the gloriousness of your beautiful red ass and I can not wait to fuck it. 

Good, I was getting tired of all the plundering. There's nothing up there more valuable than the diamond lube you stole. Let's get the fucking started.

You moan into your gag with each swat of my hand, and flinch involuntarily from the pain as my large powerful hand lands squarely on your ass with significant force. Although your body flinches from the pain of each spanking your body relaxes as it absorbs the attention it has hungered for. 

Oh, so I'm gagged, and that's what I was screaming into earlier. Well wait, if I'm gagged how did I ask you for this? There's a hole in your story. Also, I see we're forgoing the gentle plundering in favor of the significant spanking. Was it really necessary to point out that my pain reflex is involuntary? That is the LEAST concerning of the involuntary things going on here.

You nipples grow taught...

Oh fuck yes they are, you could walk across Niagra balanced on these nipples.

...and your pussy grows wet. As I continue to spank you with one hand, I snake my other hand between your legs and find the slick wetness of your gooey cunt oozing in approval. 

Yeah, sorry about the gooeyness, the Blue Bunny was down there earlier today with a triple-scoop waffle cone. You would have been fascinated by him, it's notable that he's one of the few mammalian species who does it missionary.

I reward your other glorious fuck hole with the fingering it deserves. I caress your lips taking time to massage your clit and stroke your clitoral hood. Soon I am pressing deeper inside you and stroking the inner walls of your cunt, probing deeper I push my fingers as deep inside you as they will go and curl them appropriately until I locate the soft sponginess of you G-spot. 

...ummm

I stroke your sweet snatch like this while continuing to reign down thundering blows to the cheeks of your reddening ass. . . until I sense from your breathing you are about to cum and I stop.

Good thing you stopped, I don't know what my spongy, gooey woman hole would eject if I came, but it's probably radioactive. I need to get this shit checked out.

I get on my knees behind you and let my hard cock bounce on your red ass cheeks, just to let you know how hard it is. 

That is one hard penis, alright. Want a medal?

I watch your glistening hole twitch in anticipation, twinkling with the artificial goo you smeared on it minutes before. It is such a magnificent picture, wet with lube, between your spanked red ass cheeks radiating the warmth of their punishment.

I believe the goo perpetrator was you, sir, my hands are tied to the edge of this bed that's outside for some reason.

I take hold of my cock and place it at the entrance of your asshole, moving it in very small circles massaging it with the soft spongy tip of my cock. I grab your hips and slowly begin to inch it in. You squeal and try to rise up, because it feels too big and you panic. I push you back down and pin you down to the bed with a powerful hand to the back of your neck. You try to mumble something... 

"Stop, stop, I think you cracked my vertebrae."

...but you can't catch your breath as the head of my cock pops past the tight muscles of your anal sphincter. You gasp as my cock starts to slowly inch its way up your ass.

I can't catch my breath because there's a gag in my mouth.

I thrust my hard cock as far as it will go into your ass, and you gasp again, not ready for its size. 

I was ready for its hardness, though, you sure showed me that.

Your breath is short and fast; you try to tighten your ass testing my power. 

Not to split hairs, but the ass tightening isn't so much a test of your power as it is my asshole's way of saying "hey, fucker. Exit only."

You melt into a kind of used submissive mode as you are punished, tamed and trained. You feel so submissive taken this way. 

How do I feel again?

You love being forced, so lewd and dirty it fulfills your desire to be a filthy whore. You have a hard time admitting how much you love this, even to yourself, but you do. The position, the pain, the humiliation. . . it all comes together as one lustful feeling that washes over you.

Whatever you say.

I lean over you and put my palms on the floor on either side of your head, pinning your shoulders down with my forearms, so you can not move forward or from side to side. You are kept in position, so I can ram my hard thick fuck stick deep into your ass. Your asshole and body are required to take the whole force of each thrust. Slowly, I pull my cock out, until the tip of my cock is hovering fervently at the entrance to your ass, and then thrust it back to the hilt.

Your fuck stick has a hilt? You pirates have a funny way of working sword lingo into everything you say. Hilt? You mean your nuts? Are they carved out of wood?

You whimper appreciation because your long desired ass fucking has finally begun but it is not fast enough. Your whimpering also expresses a need and deep desire to have your hole fucked. Again, I slowly pull out to the entrance of your ass...

Technically that's an exit, I mean I'm just saying.

 ...but this time I pull completely out. Once my cock has been completely withdrawn, I thrust for violently to cram my thick meaty fuck stick back deep inside your ass. I do this again and again, you feel like you are being entered anew, each time. I bury the entire shaft of my long thick cock up your anus until my balls massage the lips of your cunt. 

Your balls have an uncanny ability to stretch. Also, what happened to your fuck stick's hilt? What's it doing, just chillin'?

As I force your butthole open each time on the girth of my cock, I whisper into your ear, "You like this, don't you? You need this, don't you? My naughty little girl, all tied up and getting her tight little ass fucked."

I don't wait for an answer, but pull out again and again only to re-enter that tight little asshole. I swing my hand down hard against those red ass cheeks with a power that I can feel reverberate through my cock deep inside your bowels. 

Tip number 1 to getting me excited at how you're going to fuck me: Never use the word "bowels." Ever. Again.

(Okay, I'm going to skip a bit because the next eight sentences roughly repeat the same thing over and over: "You're a naughty girl and I tell you so and keep fucking you, oh god you're so dirty hrrnnng." So, skipping ahead):

You are on the floor and the force of your anal pile driving makes you slide back and forth across the rug with each thrust, recoiling from the constant pounding. You nipples, knees and shoulders begin to develop rug burn...

...That's...hot...? How did we slide onto the floor if my arms are tied to the side of the bed? Are my shoulders still in place? Are my arms lying dismembered on the sheets?

...as your asshole burns with its own uniquely satisfying throb. I can feel the muscles of your anal sphincter stretching around and conforming to my cock. I reach around and find your nipples, intensifying the pain from a slow burn to piercing jolt, pinching them as I fuck you. With each thrust, I twist them harder, and pull them mercilessly when I pull out. 

Careful, remember how taught they are? Those nips are about to snap and the result will be you with a few missing fingers, Long John.

You are beside yourself now, knowing you are reaching the point where you will loose yourself in a series of orgasm which will drain every remaining ounce of energy and shake you to your core. A whiney sound is coming from your throat, as you feel my cock grow inside you and you sense my orgasm could be near. 

If you replace "sense" with "hope," yes.

(Summary of next two paragraphs: "OH GOD I'M IN YOUR PRIVATE PLACE AND IT'S DIRTY HERPDERP UGH." Fast-forward a bit and we arrive at):

 As I continue to pound your ass I ask you, "Do you want to be my good little cum dumpster?"

Is that like the same thing as a brave little toaster?

"Yes, yesss sir, I do. . ." you whimper. I grab you hard and hold you still as one last time I shove my cock deep into your ass. I hold it inside you, as I spill my hot cum into the condom deep in your bowels.

Well at least you had the courtesy to don a condom for this little romp of intestinal pillaging.

 I groan a deep groan that builds into a scream. To you, it sounds like a roar, pure and animalistic. You whimper your appreciation as my cum fills your ass. 

Where did the condom go? Better use your plundering skills to retrieve that later.

You want to cum yourself. Finally, I reach around and pinch your clit, rubbing it roughly, telling you to cum for me as I continue to fuck your ass. You scream as you can't contain the violent spasms that rush through your bound body. Your own cum gushes from your cunt and runs down your legs to the floor.

Shit, we've gone from a simply gooey vagina to a vagina that could be mistaken for a Nickelodeon slime machine. This is a STAGE FIVE GOO ALERT, everyone! Clear the area!

I continue to fuck you, until the last of my cum is buried deep in your ass, your orgasm is so powerful, you can't catch your breath as your first orgasm spills over into your second. . . and a
third...

So much goo.

...as I continue to manipulate your clit from behind. You finally start to breath easier after a few minutes.

I pull out of your freshly reamed asshole, sit back and look at your quivering pucker, winking at me as if trying to convince me to put my cock back inside. It needs to be filled and fucked again. It looks like it has lost a friend.

*raises finger* Well actually...you know what? It has. Quivering Pucker was meant to be forever united with Thick Meaty Fuck Stick. It's just not right to force them to go through this cold, dark world alone. Not right.

I am quick at recovering. 

Want another medal?

I think I will leave you in your current position. Because in a few minutes it will be time to start again. I think this time I will start with your neglected cunt, punishing your throbbing snatch from behind. After you cum for me several more times...

Does this house / forest / wherever the fuck we are come with life boats?

...it will be time to roll you on your back and tie your hands above your head to the headboard.  Your knees will be pushed back until they rest nearly beside your head, they too will be tied to the headboard. . . leaving you bound and completely open to me. My cock will snake its way up your hole once again, as your favorite dildo stretches your cunt and my finger and a vibrator take turns on your clit. 

Seems a little crowded. Also, at this point I don't think it needs anymore stretching, you can just don a wet suit and scuba gear and walk on in.

Yes, it will be me in your ass. . . again.

It quivers with anticipation.